I look at you with feelings.

developing cognitive flexibility in romantic relationships

In a beautiful scene from the French romantic film Pierrot le Fou (1965), the two characters, Ferdinand (Jean-Paul Belmondo) and Marianne (Anna Karina), share an intimate moment at the beach where he asks her why she seems so sad. She responds, “Because you speak to me with words, and I look at you with feelings.” And, oh, therein lies the rub! According to relationship expert, Dr. Gottman, couples' number one argument is not about money or children but emotional availability. Are you there for me, emotionally? Can I count on you? Do you get me?

Emotional intimacy is vital to long-term, lasting romantic relationships, yet little is understood about what that means and what one can do about it. Emotional intimacy seems vague to many of us because it can mean many different things to each of us. However, I will attempt to provide a rudimentary definition to start the conversation. Emotional intimacy means you are connecting with your partner on a much deeper level than the surface. For instance, it is not: “How was your day?” but “What brought you joy today?” It is not, “Do you like your job?” but “What does work-life balance mean to you?” When you are emotionally intimate with someone, it means you trust them. You feel their love and compassion for you, and you feel love and compassion for them. It means you feel safe telling them how you think and feel; in return, they can share big feelings and thoughts with you. It means you can hear them and appreciate them.

A recent study by Kenneally, Milam, & Paulson found that cognitive flexibility increases emotional intimacy, and both influence the other to maintain and foster better relationships.¹ Cognitive flexibility is, at its essence, one’s awareness and ability to shift and adapt to different situations.² Someone who is cognitively flexible shows empathy, resilience, adaptability in their emotional responses, and vulnerability with their partner. Sharing your emotions with the other person (except for anger) and then receiving those feelings well from your partner is part of cognitive flexibility, which brings you more intimacy and a better relationship overall.

One thing that does not help build emotional intimacy is emotional dysregulation. Emotional dysregulation can look like any of the following: the inability to cope with emotion of any kind, impulsivity, dysfunctional self-soothing, avoidance, withholding, numbing, excessive worry, and negative rumination. If one is ashamed of their feelings or unaware of their feelings, the partner perceives that they are withholding emotional intimacy, which leads to negative relationship dynamics.³ The most satisfying and healthiest relationships are characterized by closeness, interdependence, self-disclosure, and emotional support. Awareness of and understanding of one’s emotional state, controlling one’s impulses, and monitoring one's emotions are essential for increasing emotional intimacy and developing cognitive flexibility.⁴

In a scene from The French Dispatch (2021), Moses (Benicio Del Toro), an “unstable” painter, shares his true feelings with Simone (Léa Seydoux), who shuts him down. In this quirky comedy, Wes Anderson's characters show us another way of withholding one’s feelings in a relationship. Still, in this case, Moses is looking at Simone with feelings, and she is responding with words.

Kenneally, Milam, & Paulson found that to help struggling relationships, one needs to increase their cognitive flexibility and emotional regulation. Higher cognitive flexibility helps combat relationship stress, increases intimacy, and informs relationship healing and emotional regulation, which is a pathway for cognitive flexibility to increase emotional intimacy. In a relationship, being able to regulate one’s own emotions effectively will influence one's ability to share feelings in healthy ways and, in turn, give one's partner more emotional support when they share their feelings with you. Developing cognitive flexibility can create greater emotional intimacy with your partner. Of course, the opposite may also be true, which is that developing emotional intimacy could create greater cognitive flexibility in oneself. Either way, cognitive flexibility and emotional regulation are two important ways to strengthen intimacy with your partner.

For my subscribers, keep reading! Below are some tools and quizzes to evaluate your emotional intimacy in relationships and further insights on emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility. Happy Loving!