Captive empathy or the baby reindeer syndrome
spoiler alert
It’s time for me to weigh in on the Netflix phenomenon du jour, Baby Reindeer. My best friend recommended it to me right when it came out before the social media chatter.1 I immediately watched the first episode and could not stop laughing. Before I went to sleep, I answered a bunch of texts and mentioned that I just watched the most hilarious show ever. I told my entire little text network - including my mom - to check it out. Little did I know that this was a serious, dramatic (+ traumatic), dark portrayal of a true story in which the director/actor/writer, Donny (Richard Gadd), is the actual victim, and his tormentor, Martha, is actually real. Oops!
When I sat down to watch the next episode, I quickly realized what I had done. I immediately retracted my texts and apologized profusely for my gross misjudgment of the show. Every single person responded with, “Yeah, I was wondering.” Oops, I did it again! Now, in good faith, I have finished all seven episodes, and I can share my shiny new take with you – I think Donny has a case of Captive Empathy Syndrome.
Spoiler alert: please watch the episodes before reading, but be warned, “Baby Reindeer” is NOT a comedy.
When Donny sees Martha enter his bar for the first time, looking anguished, lonely, and sad, he notices. When she says she can’t afford a cup of tea, Donny gives it to her “on the house.” Donny shows empathy to this seemingly harmless stranger, and BOOM, Martha’s love delusion2 is fixed. The saga begins.
Donny, our protagonist, has recently been dumped and is clearly a failing comedian. He relates to Martha’s misery. He empathizes with her, and in doing so, he overlooks several red flags, such as:
Martha says she is a high-powered attorney.
Martha never drinks her tea or Diet Cokes when she visits him at the bar.
Martha tells him incessantly about all the famous people in her life, which are clearly lies.
Martha laughs loudly and not quite right - like someone laughing at a funeral is not quite right, but he finds it familiar.
Martha shows him all the important people she talks to on her, wait for it, flip phone.
Throughout the episodes, Donny vacillates between empathy and fear. He becomes a prisoner of Martha’s delusion. He imagines how sad she was growing up. He can picture all the dances that she never went to. He keeps thinking how bad her life has probably been over and over until he becomes captive to her fantasy. He is stuck in her delusion. He will never be free until he can break the spell or break Martha.
On a side note, I am aware that most people are fascinated with Martha and who the real Martha is (i.e., the one who appears on Piers Morgan to refute the entire story). However, I am more intrigued by Donny and his struggle.
Empathy or the ability to share in someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in their situation, is one of the most beautiful traits humans have access to. The dark side of that is when the person you are empathizing with is a predator, delusional, toxic, or a narcissist.3 In those instances, you are the baby reindeer.