Treat each guest honorably. Wait, even sociopaths?

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. (Rumi)

As humans, I like to think that we all exist somewhere on a spectrum of emotions, thoughts, perspectives, intelligence, and love, in terms of who we are as unique, subjective, embodied human beings. In psychology, a trait, behavior, or personality disorder may also fall on a spectrum, where there are varying degrees of intensity in the symptoms, and the disorder is typically determined by how the individual responds to those symptoms. In other words, one’s behaviors or traits can exist on a continuum with different dimensions, and they can vary in severity and treatment from person to person.

Sociopaths, psychopaths, people living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or those with anti-social personality disorder (ASPD) - all are part of a similar shared spectrum of behavior and share one central defining feature among them: lack of empathy. When discussing someone who lacks empathy, the concept itself can feel spine-chilling. I know because every time I share my latest summer reading with anyone, Sociopath: A Memoir by Partic Gagne, people say that just telling them the title gives them chills. I understand how they feel. Gagne recounts how she stalks people, lies easily to others, steals for the thrill of it, stabs another child with a pencil, attends strangers’ funerals, and constantly reminds us how she doesn’t care what we think. Gagne, who identifies as a sociopath, says that for those of us who feel so much all the time, learning from her not to care could maybe help us. I know. Her husband sees her ability not to worry about what others think as her superpower. That thought is interesting, for sure, and makes her case for learning from sociopaths compelling, but for me, not caring would ultimately be a ginormous deficit. Of course, I need a healthy amount of ego to get through the day and not fall apart at every problem I encounter, but to not care at all anymore is beyond my comprehension, and frankly, I would feel that it would be a lobotomy of my soul. In other words, it would not be something I would wish for myself or others. As Rumi, the 13th century Sufi poet, wrote in his poem, The Guest House:

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Many of us have to work with sociopaths or have family members with ASPD, or even have dated or married someone with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. We all have a story about the person who lied for no reason, or manipulated everyone around them for personal gain, or did something so awful no one, literally no one, can believe it. Every time I encounter someone with no remorse or empathy, I am always, at first, confused, then I think, “No, they feel bad. They didn’t mean to do that,” which gives me some relief, but the reality is they don’t feel bad, and they totally did lie and will probably do it again. We feel confused because we don’t know how to feel any other way. It is totally contrary to the zeitgeist of people with empathy. I can’t turn off my conscience. I don’t want to either. The funny thing about all of this is, no matter how I feel or worry that something dreadful like my empathy could disappear, a sociopath couldn’t care less. They don’t just lack cognitive empathy, but they also do not experience emotional contagion. For example, when you are in an airport and hear a baby crying, how do you feel? I feel sad. I want to comfort the baby. That is a kind of emotional contagion – something a sociopath cannot understand and honestly does not want to. It probably sounds ridiculous to them.

While all these types of disorders, from psychopath to people living with antisocial personality disorder, lack empathy, these personality types do differ a bit. As I am frequently asked about this, I thought it would be helpful to outline just a bit about each type, providing a somewhat rudimentary overview of their similarities and differences.

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho” (2000).

Psychopaths, who make up around 0.6-4% of the population, really stand out because of their fearlessness. Some studies have noted reduced activity in the brains of individuals with psychopathic traits, specifically in the amygdala, where fear is processed. Their amygdala does not respond when they are aggressive, while in sociopaths, for instance, their amygdala stays active when they act aggressively. Psychopaths have no regard for social norms and do not experience any sense of guilt. They live “parasitic lifestyles,” and tend to be pathological liars, promiscuous, impulsive, and manipulative. They have found gene variants in psychopaths around the neurotransmitters in the brain that control their dopamine and serotonin output. This could be why they struggle to process emotions and control their impulses. Other factors could be environmental, such as childhood trauma and abuse.

Rosamund Pike and Ben Affleck in David Fincher’s “Gone Girl” (2014).

Sociopaths, who are believed to make up around 0.2% to 3.3% of the general population, also lack empathy and a conscience like psychopaths. In the book, The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout describes conscience as “a compelling emotion based in an attachment to another living creature (often but not always a human being), or to a group of human beings, …or humanity as a whole” – in other words, it is emotional connectivity. Unlike psychopathy, sociopaths show activity in their amygdala in response to fear and threats, but the activity is not based on a moral code of any kind. They don’t feel remorse or guilt. While they prefer to blend in and look and seem like everyone else, they can appear more attractive, more intelligent, and more alluring because they can mimic our body language, gestures, tone of voice, and even our breathing to create a false sense of closeness. This is called isipraxism or reflective mirroring. They like to take risks, which can seemingly be fun for those of us who are risk-averse. They are also excellent at what Martha Stout describes in her book, Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door, at “pity plays” - where they exploit our sympathy with tears and act the victim if we challenge their behavior. They also tend not to like people or life, which Patric Gagne describes well in her memoir.

Being alone was when I typically felt the most at ease, the most free to be myself. But after a string of uneventful weekends with no meaningful interactions with others, I realized I was more prone to violent fantasies after extended time alone with myself.

While some researchers think sociopathy is epigenetic, other research has found structural differences in the paralimbic system of the brain of people with sociopathic traits, which affects mood, emotions, and drive. The vavum septum pellucidum (CSP), which is a little hole with fluid in the brain that is present in all fetuses and closes after the baby is about 6 months old, may be faulty in people with sociopathy, which is interesting for further research into possible treatment and solutions.

Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada” (2004).

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects about 1% to 2% of the U.S. population. NPD is a personality disorder without the amoral parts of sociopathy in the DSM-5-TR. While all sociopaths may be narcissistic, not all people with narcissistic personality disorder are sociopaths. People with NPD lack empathy, but have a bit of a conscience in that, since they view the world through their own needs, they may attune to others’ reactions and feelings to fulfill those needs. Ramani Durvasula, in her book, It’s Not You, refers to this as “narcissistic supply,” which she says can be exhausting for the rest of us because we are constantly trying to “please the unpleasable narcissist.” They exhibit selfishness, deceitfulness, and callousness. They can be grandiose and exploit others for personal gain. Unlike sociopaths, who try to blend in, narcissists generally like to stand out and crave being the center of attention. Even though many people may have narcissistic traits, to have NPD, the personality has to be fixed, rigid, or maladaptive, which causes impairment or distress or both for the individual and those around them.

Matt Damon, Jude Law, and Gwyneth Paltrow in “The Talented Mr. Ripley” directed by Anthony Minghella (1998).

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) is a formal diagnosis for a personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Sociopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) are closely related. Sociopathy and psychopathy are not formal clinical diagnoses, but rather terms used to describe someone with antisocial personality traits. ASPD is characterized by a disregard for social norms, deceitfulness, manipulation, lack of remorse, impulsivity, and aggressive behavior. When these traits are pervasive in childhood and in different contexts and situations, people may meet the criteria for antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). ASPD can usually be identified before the age of 15, and the diagnosis in children is referred to as conduct disorder.

Here are my recommended reads if this topic interests you.

· Sociopath: A Memoir by Partic Gagne: A straightforward and open tale on the struggles of being a sociopath from a very early age to early adulthood.

· The Sociopath Next Door and Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door by Marth Stout: Two eye-opening and educational books about sociopaths and how to deal with them and heal from the harm they can cause in one’s life.

· It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula: An in-depth look at the destructive pattern of narcissistic behavior and how to protect yourself in a relationship with a narcissist.

Here are my recommended movies…

· Gone Girl, directed by David Fincher and starring Rosamund Pike: It is also based on the best-selling book by Gillian Flynn. It’s bone-chilling.

· The Talented Mr. Ripley, directed by Anthony Minghella and starring Matt Damon: This is also based on the Patricia Highsmith novel. Ripley meets five of the seven criteria for antisocial personality disorder and also displays narcissistic traits.

· American Psycho, directed by Mary Harron and starring Christian Bale: A cult classic film, not to be missed!!

· The Devil Wears Prada, starring Meryl Streep: The Devil Wears Prada 2 is coming out, so now is the time to re-watch this hilarious movie by David Frankel.

💛 If you enjoyed this post, be sure to comment or press “like” at the bottom (or top) so more people can discover it! 🫶

😍 Want more? Subscribe for free for more thoughts and research on what makes us tick!