Like I said, whatever.

texting according to your attachment style

Have you ever wondered if texting interconnects to your attachment style? Does texting make you feel more anxious or feel more avoidant? Do you notice when you get a text from a romantic interest that you feel more paralyzed in your response or more eager to respond? Just like in real life, the same attachment relationship dynamic can play out in our texts.

One of my all-time favorite Key & Peele skits is when Key texts Peele about meeting up for drinks. Key writes, “Are we on for tonight?” Peele, who is distracted, responds, “Sorry dude, missed your texts. Assume we can meet at the bar. Whatever. I don’t care.” Key reads Peele’s response in disbelief, “Reeeaallllly, I don’t care?” Key is now visibly upset. Key texts back, “Do you even want to hang out?” Peele thinks Key is being super thoughtful and decides he is fine either way. He texts, “Like I said whatever.” Well, you can imagine how Key interprets that text! Screaming at the the top of his lungs, he throws his phone across the kitchen. You can watch the clip below, but laugh at your own risk (warning, there is R-Rated language).

Why does Peele never get that Key is upset? Why does Key get so mad at Peele? In my opinion, this is a hilarious example of an anxiously attached individual texting an avoidant individual and how the miscommunication in their texting can hurt their relationship. It is so easy to misinterpret someone else’s texts in a romantic relationship, especially if one of you is more anxiously attached and the other is more avoidant.

A 2025 research study published in the Journal of Media Psychology shows how individuals’ attachment styles, which are formed in childhood and carried out in our present-day relationships, play a significant role in how we text. If you need a full refresher on attachment theory, please check out my other substack, “Does Attachment Style Matter?” In short, those who lean toward anxious attachment styles fear potential rejection and can struggle with trusting their partners. In contrast, avoidant types tend to resist being close or intimate with their partners because they do not like feeling vulnerable or dependent. According to early childhood attachment theory, we all fall on this spectrum of attachment in our intimate relationships, and this all can play out in how we communicate our needs to the other – even in texts.

Texting is one of the primary ways we communicate, and yet, we don’t always look at it in terms of how to do it better so that our relationships can thrive. With our smartphones, we are essentially seen as always accessible. Just today, at the gym, a tornado warning was issued, and someone had not shown up for a workout. The trainer was worried because she had texted the client several times, and he had not responded. We all thought maybe she should just call him and see if he answered, so she did. He picked up and was fine. He was just not checking his texts. Shocking, I know! It’s hard to believe that sometimes people aren’t looking at their texts or, perhaps, even avoiding responding to them. Many think, especially those who are more anxiously attached, that if we send a text, the other person should respond at lightning speed, and if they don’t, they are not being “socially appropriate,” rude, or something is wrong. We all know most people check their phones on average 144 times a day, so why can’t they answer right away? However, it doesn’t always work like that, especially since individuals who tend more toward being avoidant prefer to have delays between their texts.

When there is a stressful situation, like an impending tornado, the need for reassurance and comfort, for instance, can become more pronounced. The bind, however, is that texting does not really lend itself to emotional support, and in most studies, we know that face-to-face interaction or voice reassurance is better every time. That being said, if you are avoidant, you are probably fine with texting reassurance and support because it helps mask one’s vulnerability, but if you are anxious at all, seeing a friend smile, hearing their voice, or getting a hug makes a huge difference. However, in our day and age, face-to-face interaction is not always an option.

When texting, anxiously attached individuals may send polite, longer messages that are full of emojis and expressive words. In contrast, people with more avoidant attachment styles send less direct and polite messages. An avoidant’s disinterest in social cues and accessibility can cause tension in their relationships. Those texting you might have a different attachment orientation, and texting can feel like too much for some people. For a person who is more avoidant, being too close to someone can trigger their fear of rejection and abandonment, so they may disengage even on text. On the other hand, someone who sends long, sweet text messages and wants you to respond right away is not necessarily overly needy or annoying but is probably more anxious, and due to their childhood, they may seek more reassurance and fear abandonment in their relationships.

Everyone is unique and different in their communication styles. When you text your partner, “Hello, just making sure all is good? Do you want to talk later? Let me know what time you will be home. Love you so much xoxoxoxoxoxo,” and they respond an hour later, “I’m good!” this does not need to send you into fight mode. If you text your wife, “Hi honey, was wondering what you want to do for dinner and if you want to go out and do something special? Can’t wait to see you!” and she responds, “Whatever you want to do is fine,” she is not necessarily mad at you. Due to many other things, she may just be in a work meeting and not thinking about dinner. Her style of intimacy might be different, and she doesn’t feel comfortable expressing her love for you in a text. What may help is for you to understand your own attachment style. When you are triggered through texts, you can recognize the trigger, validate your emotions, avoid self-criticism, use grounding techniques to center yourself, communicate your needs to your spouse, and set boundaries around texting. Hope this helps! Let me know in the comments!